To College Part 1/3

Hello, my wonderful readers! It is personal story time again!

My life has had some crazy moments in it that I knew one day I would want to write about and share with others. Today, I am going to tell the story of how I ended up going to college.

This is just the first of a three-part series which will cover the last five years of my life.

The first part (this post) is my adventures heading to college and starting.

The second part is what happened while I was in college, both CNCC and BBC.

The third part will be what is going on right now in my life.

These stories are going to be open and honest ones from me. This means that my stories might be a bit depressing and sad at points, so if you are a family member of mine reading this or a close friend who has not heard these stories, I am sorry I never told you in person. Know that this has been a long growth period for me to even get to the point where I can write about my life without feeling like I am unworthy to do so.

Also, know that I am extremely excited to share these stories, and if my personal stories are not for you, don’t worry! I will soon be posting more of my fiction writing on this site.

                                                               The Beginning:

About five years ago, I was working for Walmart as an MS or merchandise supervisor over Toys. I enjoyed my job and the people I worked with, but something was going on in my life at that moment that had made me extremely bitter and depressed. The emotions in my life at the time were leaving me feeling empty and lost as my life had reached a cyclical cycle of go to work, come home, play video games; repeat.

I felt empty and dead on the inside and very lost. I knew I was missing something, but what? I could buy whatever I wanted with the money I made from work, but nothing I bought made me excited anymore. It was just, stuff. Stuff that never really seemed to make me feel much, just regret that the stuff I bought didn’t make me feel anything.

As a Christian, I had been told years and years of “If you feel like you have emptiness in your soul or heart, Jesus is the one to fill it.” But, I had Jesus, I thought. I mean I had done everything that I was told to do, accept Jesus, get baptized, be a good person, etc. Yet, the soul-crushing emptiness did not go away. This caused a lot of confusion to be added to my depression. Did God not love me? Was that all there was to be a Christian? More depression and heartache? Did I do it right? Maybe I felt empty because I had done something wrong and Jesus was mad at me?

So one night, while in the shower, I sobbed my heart out, feeling extremely alone and very very lost. Although, that night, my life was changed forever and I made sure to write down exactly what happened about an hour later. Here is what I wrote:

My heart has been broken for so long from the pain of a relationship lost. I have been left empty and hardhearted. I have longed to have a purpose and a place to go. I am sick of my life doing the same thing over and over again. I feel like a broken record. Skipping over and over again on the same song.

In the shower tonight I heard a voice in my head, which seemed to emanate from over my right shoulder. It asked me, “What are you afraid of?”

I listed the things off that scared me the most. Heights, needles, being alone, the list went on and on. The voice once again said with more force this time “No. What are you truly afraid of?”

“College?” I answered back. I had never officially gone and I believe that I was never truly going to go. I had convinced myself that I was too dumb and that my brain would not understand what college was going to teach me.  

“Yes,” the voice said back, “So now you must face your greatest fear and go!”

“Now?!?” I exclaimed back. “But I don’t have the money or the time to go!”

“This is what you should do. Go!”

So I prayed and realized this was God talking to me, not some crazy voice in my head. And the more I thought about it the more I realized I should do it.

“Ok God, I will go.” I said with some disdain, “I don’t know where and I don’t know what for or where the money will come from.” With a lot of pride, I issued this challenge to God, “You have to figure out the money, the place, and what I am studying. Do this and then I will go.”

I thought I had God beat, there was no way He could figure out those three things.

Or so I thought.

God started working in my life, despite my pride and a broken heart.

My first answer was the, “what I should study.” One day while I was scrolling through Facebook, a huge page-wide ad appeared on my screen. I could not get it to go away. There was no exit button. No close button. Nothing I did would get it off my screen. Not even shutting down my computer.

I even left my computer for a bit and come back, but the ad was still there.

All it said was “Creative Writing Degree” in giant bold letters.

I finally said, “Ok God! I get that I am supposed to go for creative writing, but where?”

                                                         And the ad disappeared.

To this day I have never seen another one like it.

Now, when you read my next post, you will realize that I did not end up going for a Creative Writing degree. I will explain more about why that ended up changing further on in this post. Overall, I am very convinced that God gave me this ad to grab my attention and point me in the right direction.

The next answer God gave me was how I was going to afford college. If you remember at the beginning of this post I mentioned I worked for Walmart at the time this was all going down. Well, Walmart sent me for three weeks to help out at another Walmart in the Denver area. In just those three weeks, I earned enough money to not only pay for my entire associate’s degree, but to help me get a car later on.

So now, two of the “challenges” I had issued to God had been figured out. The third and final answer “Where should I go” was not as quickly or dramatically answered as the other two. At first, I was looking at going to the University of Hawaii to get a Bachelor’s in Creative Writing. Yet, when my mom and I started to look at if I could even attend, there was a problem.

As a homeschooled child, I had never taken an SAT or an ACT. If you don’t know what those are, they are tests that you take in high school, which tell colleges how well you can test on subjects such as math, science, English, etc. Since I had never taken one of those tests while in high school, I was left with two options. I could either get a GED or go to community college and get my associate’s degree there.

I had personal issues with getting a GED, I felt like if I did get one, it would “prove” that all the work I did as a homeschooler was for nothing. I was not willing to do that since I did have a high school diploma and had already graduated.

So, my final option, and the reason I ended up not going for a Creative Writing degree, was because I went to the community college in my hometown and got my Associate of Arts in English instead. But that is a story for the next post.

                                                        Conclusion to the first post:

As I retype my life’s events up, I do have to wonder what kind of person I might have become if I had not listened to God’s voice in the shower and had just continued where I was. I do think I would have been continually very lost and very depressed. Yet, I also think that God would have not given up on me and He would have continued to try to get my attention.

Thank you for reading this first part of my life story! I realize that not everyone likes to read or know more detailed stories about others, but I truly hope that someday, my personal stories might help someone. Maybe someone who feels like I felt, who feels very lost, alone, crushed on the inside, and defeated. I want you to know that you are not alone! I wasn’t and you are not either!

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